COUGHING UP SHARKS.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

2009-01-19T23:09:22Z

Today has been a bad day, one that has pushed me over the edge it seems.

I thought i was alright, but, guess not haha.
A cynical happiness descends because there's nothing else i can muster.

I'm entirely and utterly messed up at the moment, and livejournal as with all blogs i ever write is the only way i can think to vent it

It's over, it's completely fucking over and i'm alone again.
and i mean alone in the most singular of all contexts.
i'm trying desperately to figure out where the fuck this side of my personality has come from.

Freud would be interested, so if you like that nutter, read away

PLEASE NOTE:
i say none of this in a 'why me' context, I will NEVER say those words.
i'm just literally trying to figure out stuff as i recon my childhood has something to do with it

I have never ever ever ever evevevrvrvrveveer been close to my parents.
mum is an alcoholic who continues to let me and my sister down by making promises of sobriety she can never keep so i've forced myself to keep my emotions at bay with her & dad has always liked my sister more as my gran lauded me with praise whilst forgetting her, so my dad tried to compensate by treating my sister amazingly
Thus pushing me out of the picture, then 3 years ago he had 4 mini strokes which fucked him over a 'bit' lol so he feels even further away as he's actually now not all there himself.
We didn't get on beforehand, let alone after the strokes. Now i find it awakward to even make conversation with the estranged man who should be my father.

So me & my sister have grown up practically alone it seems as we got older, it's just gotten harder.
I was bullied through school right up the about the age of 14, which dramatically affected my self-esteem up until about 16 when i was hypnotised and it all changed.
but there is still the under-current of 'never good enough' there

The major factors i think are
- my complete and utter hate of modern society
- not having parents to rely on for anything.

i cannot emphasize how much the first one has forced me into solitude, in some aspects it's brilliant as i don't feel at all home in society nowadays and i love it, i get to laugh at it from a far whilst reading Nietzsche.
I'm a natural born nerd who still harbours a love for Warhammer 40,000 & despises the lack of intelligence and culture in England.
So i've willingly exiled myself there. Which is fine,

but today it finally dawned on me that I can run forever, but i can't hide from myself. Which is a pretty gutterally depressing thing to realise.

The second one is a little more complicated, as my gran raised me & my sister practically we've never learnt to rely on our major parents for emotional support as mum was always / is still most of the time too drunk to give it & dad was only ever home on weekends.
So by this age i'm perfectly happy with doing stuff by myself & i'm sure my sister is to.

But when it comes to girls, that's when there becomes a major problem.
I think ;
As I haven't had really anybody to lean on except myself over the years, i'm beginning to think that everytime i meet a girl i force all my fears & hopes onto them when i fall in love with them.
they take over the place where my mother should have been per say.
Freud said that we spend our lives trying to find girls like our mothers and trying to reconcile with our fathers
and i think i'm in exactly that predicament.
I get bitter when girls leave, especially if i'm in love with them as i feel they're abandoning me & that they never cared enough to stay, i feel let down and alone once again.
I do the whole "LEAVING ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES" rigmarole, which although contrived is true.
I don't mind being alone i'm used to deaing with things, but when someone says they love me i have a habit of giving up and letting everything in me fall on them,
determined to get the love i should of had from my mum from them.
And as i have all the characteristics of my mum, never being able to get close to her is pretty bad.
It's like carrying a heavy bag then giving it to your friend and you feeling ace at the sudden weightlessness you feel, then them going "actually, i cba it's your bag you take it"
They offer an escape from the same reality i've had since i was 14 when i started getting depressed, a day in day out feeling of utter mudanity & melancholy is replaced when they come along by euphoria and happiness
they are a distraction from myself & the vultures that knaw at the weaker parts of my soul and have done for the past 5 years
literally day in, day out since i can remember.
I don't really live, i just tend to exist in a cynical manner which has days interspersed with bouts of happiness and differing levels of cynicism towards everything around me which i percieve as shit.

but yea, I get fucking bitter as i just see them as using me then fucking off.
It's all perfectly alright, right up until i fall in love. Then bad timmezzz
As i'm tired of thinking everything is shit
I'm tired of being depressed
I'm tired of holding so much on my shoulders
I'm tired of hating coming home to a mental stepdad who hits my drunken mother.
I'm tired of not feeling happy permanently, like i fucking deserve.
I'm tired of not being to get close to people because they leave / i don't let myself.

Someone else can take the bag for a while, i'm fucking done haha.

So, maybe that's it?
Who knows, being an art student doesn't help either as i rend to overthink things (oh, the irony of introspection whilst knowing you overthink things. Great)
But i do need to get past this, as tearing up my skin with knives isn't particularly exciting and it brings out a side of me i'd rather not find.
And i have no idea how to explain it to people who ask "whats happened to your arm"

x

Always, All Ways.

2008-12-10T19:10:29Z

I feel like i owe you a complete explanation of everything.
As i dont think i've explained myself well enough these past few weeks, i just seemed to have cried and mumbled a lot when ive been talking to you and that hasn't really got me anywhere.
Im sorry for still bleeting on.

There will be no lies in this, so please take everything as fact
I just want to clear up everything and hopefully get it all off my chest in hopes of making you understand.

Plus, i'm fucking scared of you forgetting me fully. I have no idea why you would but still.

in all honesty i did text Kaela out of wanting to keep her around, i was obsessed with the girl and my mum always said to me you never forget the first person you fall in love with and i didn't intend to. But it seems she had other plans.
I know you worried about that but she was never a threat to you at all.
i love you.

i hate how i never complimented you, i know i never said anything positive. But i ALWAYS thought it
everytime i saw you my stomach did that funny fizzy thing.
I was always so proud you were mine, so fucking proud. and i still am to this day, i think you're absolutely stunning and always will
everything about you i like.
I think i just wasn't used to having such a normal girlfriend, i pigeon-holed myself to fuck in 6th form. I kept out of everyones way for arrogantly thinking i was different and that i would only ever like people who were into my scene, so with you it was an adjustment that sometimes shook me off.
It never made me like you any less, but sometimes suprised me.
i love you.

I'm sorry for being so stupidly lazy, i'm sorry for never doing anything exciting. I think i just got too comfortable with having you around
i took for granted way too much and now its keeping me up at night knowing Dave has done all these things i never did
It makes me physically sick knowing how i mistreated you.
physically sick. I hate myself for that so much.
Because you deserve so much more, you're habitually optimistic and perpetually happy. And i love very aspect of it but it confuses me how you can be, there is so much hate in this world and i seem to only notice that.
You really are a breath of fresh air
i love you.

I think at the moment you just think im saying 'i love you' as something of a gimmick, something to make you realise how much i miss you.
Please don't.
I've woken up every day since you first came back and we slept together and regretted finishing it with you.
I have thought about it every single day since it happened.
We all make mistakes in life and i know this wasn't the right thing to do
i sent out those bulletins out of pure-boredom. I knew it wasnt the right thing to do.
i now have to face a further 3 / 4 years knowing i made the wrong decision.
I can think logically about being in another reletionship, i can imagine perfectly being with someone else.
But even when i do, i will never let myself forget how i treated you.
i love you.

But it did annoy me when you rang me up and said you wouldnt be able to sleep in my bed because you were now seeing someone youd seen for about a day.
Because i think it was only the night before we were talking about 'naked cuddles' and that you were willing to model for me so i could draw you.
I was looking forward to that so fucking much.
So for you to say you might not even be able to do that 1. suprised the fuck out of me as i didnt think things had changed that quickly 2. you were only seeing him 3. In my mind made me feel like i'd just been completely cut off.
Because in my mind when you say youre seeing someone thats basically a signal that the person you were with before now means shit.
i love you.

Sorry about Aimee, i never had any proper feelings for her. Sure i thought she was cool and it was nice to be able to talk politics with her but i never made any move on her at all the 3 times i saw her.
We went to the prehistoric museum in Hull and she kept trying to hold my mand but i wouldnt let her do it
After that i then told her straight that i didn't want to be in a reletionship because i didnt feel the same and had still had very strong feelings for you.
With Jen i honestly thought i was going to end up liking her a lot as i said.
Ive known her since 2006 and we've always got on real well and that only got better when we met
Plus the first 2 times i saw her when we went to sleep in her single bed we always cuddled and flirted with each other so it just made it worse.
We stayed in bed till like 4pm the next day just in our pyjamas watching films and cuddling.
I think it was just the nice suprise of seeing her.
But soon after i told you i thought id end up liking her i lost all feeling
she had a bf so i gave up and moved on.
i love you.

I realise i was very undecisive, i should of just told you from the beginning how i felt about you
and how i regretted breaking up with you
but when we first did i was completely ready i thought.
i love you.

Because when i think about it you are actually my first serious reletionship.
I wouldnt count Kaela at all as we were over the internet primarily so we never had a physical connection.
Before that the longest id been with someone was 6 months and that was izzy, i think. Back in 2005.
But with you i saw you every day, was with you all the time. You came over you met my parents, we slept in the same bed all the time, you are like family to me and i guess i just hadn't experienced it before.
i love you.

I fucking miss you.
everything has changed and i still hate it. I hate not seeing you every day and i cant believe you were with me for a year and a half
im fucking stunned a person like wanted to be with me for that long. it absolutely astonishes me to this day
we drove past your old house today and i miss that loads!
i miss waking up in it with the sunlight coming through the orange windows and being able to crawl into your bed with you
or just roll over when we were on the floor and cuddle you.
i miss you calling me "popsie" in that voice you did it, so so much.
i miss that voice.
i miss the look in your eyes when i told you i kept a diary, i'll NEVER forget that.
I miss going to work at 10pm and having to leave you, then getting into bed with you afterwards. i miss your pyjamas
i miss the way you are so open to everything.
I miss our first simple kiss
when we were in the bathroom and we just pecked each other on the lips
nothing dramatic just a simple affectionate kiss
I miss holding your hand, i miss seeing your smiley face every day.
I miss your giggle when i tickled you,
i miss the grumpy childlike face you did all the time,
i miss the funny voice you do,
i miss your hissy fits over silly things,
i miss laughing at them,
i miss annoying you haha,
i miss wiping your lipgloss off my face.
i miss the pie jokes.
I miss your stupid amounts of perfume.
I miss when we fell asleep curled in a ball together, with your head on my legs and mine on yours. And how always tried to recreate it but it never worked lol we could never get comfy.
i miss reading shakespere whilst you were asleep and the just watching you for a while because it was when you had the fairy lights on and we used those as a nightlight just before you moved house.
To me it was brilliant.
I miss everything about you.
When i think about 6th form i connect it with you, you are what i think of. This will never fade and i know this much for certain.
However far you are away from me i will always connect 6th form with you
and the first time i saw your red rose pastel drawing on the wall, it looked fucking gorgeous
i was always extremely jealous of your talent. Your ability completely suprised me as you said you were an artist but i didnt think you were that good!!
i love you.

I keep finding things you drew for me, i moved some clothes in the drawer underneath the mirror in my room and i found a drawing you did of me when i had those creme eggs in my ears.
I actually started crying haha, and tbh as i write this im trying not to now
i was last night though, when you read that poem to me. Streaaaaming down my face but i tried not to show it over the phone.
i love you.

I hate waking up in the mornings without you
i hate not being able to turn over and see you there,
I still connect this bed with you. the white cotton thingy most of all. And i still have one singular condom left that is hid bed my bed which i didnt move from when you first came.
This bed is yours now.
I havent even moved the cream stuff that you used for your face, its still by the radiator in the exact same position it always was. I literally havent touched it since you last came.
i dont ever want to move it.
i love you.

I've felt so shit recently it's epic.
2 days ago was the lowest ive felt in a long, long, long, long time. I felt like absolute death from the moment i woke up till when i fell asleep
And its how i felt every single day since you decided it was best we shouldnt be together. Seriously
please dont think its your fault, god please dont. because it really isn't as i can understand your reasons
i just wake up and theres 1 minute where im fine which is where im becomming conscious and then itll hit me
all the regrets of never treating you right / you not being mine anymore / how i feel ive lost you forever.
Theyve consumed me.
And what gets me the most is that im not going to get to show you how much you actually mean to me, im not going to get to show you how fucking amazing i think you are,
im not going to get to show you how much i completely love you.
One part of my brain wants to move on
but 3/4 it saying no,
there's just something there thats stopping me. There's a slight tone in your voice sometimes that tells me you still like me, its only very small but i know its there.
None of this seems right to me at all because i know whoever you go out with i can be better than, i can treat you better
i can make you happier. You dont fall in love for someone for no reason and if you saw that much in me even at one point in time i can make you mine.
To quote someone i cant remember "my arrogance extends only as a far as my consciousness demands"
i. love. you

i have realised so much since we broke up, how shitty i really treated you.
I have learnt god knows how many lessons since september and i want to show them to you, but none of it will mean anything if its not for you.
I dont want to show anbody else because theyre not you, they wont appreciate it.
You made me realise that i cant just swan around in a reletionship and do nothing. Which seems pretty much common sense but well i guess it wasnt to me.
You know how shocked you were when i said i was going to buy ezra lunch! an although i didnt do it as i didnt go im meeting Alex this saturday and i said we'd find a restaurant somewhere and id treat her.
Im never treating another girl like i treated you, i can't. it's not right
So thankyou for showing me that. seriously thankyou
But none of it means anything if i cant show it to you.
i fucking miss you so much. It hurts more every single day.
because i know this isn't right
nothing about this breakup was right!!!! you know it wasn't!
and im not just letting it to go to fate as "the one who got away"
as thats complete bollocks
you lose people because there is something you do wrong.
And if you realise that and change your ways, i see no reason why you shouldnt try and get them back
and this is why im trying to get you back.
i love you!
so, i wish to keep fighting.

i know i shouldnt be doing this and tell Dave im sorry as it isnt fair, but this isnt right.
i cant face the next 3 years of knowing i made a mistake and let you go.
nothing about it is right.
i love you

im sorry for ringing you every night, i shouldnt i know
but atm i feel so very very very fucking alone.
my homelife has gone completely overboard and i hate knowing i have to go home to domestic violence and the feeling i dont belong. I hate having to hide myself away and be ostacized from the world around me
because it felt like you always understood what i was going through, out of everyone i know it still feels like you are the only person i can talk to about it.
to quote wes eisold of give up the ghost from my favourite song
"Never knew someone that knew how the years had been"
and thats how it felt with you, i thought it from the very moment i told you about my family.
i've been depressed for 6 years now on this and its only getting harder.
but now i feel like im forcing it upon and forcing you to care when you really shouldnt have to.
i feel like i have absolutely no-one to turn to now youre gone.
youve moved on and it feels like youve forgotten me so i want to keep ringing you to remind you im still here.
I HATE how every day you wont think of me, you wont think 'hows ben today?' or 'i wonder what ben is doing'
and especially 'i cant wait to see ben'
its horrible.
i love you!

I dont know what else to say.
Im sorry for this.
i just felt like i owed you a complete explanation.
fuck

i love you!
i miss you, more than you could ever know.
and i will keep missing you
because this isn't right.
x

sorry.

I

The Eternal Guilt Of Loss.

2008-11-27T01:19:01Z

whose sword has weighed upon my weary neck for weeks now, and every day i feel it draw ever further across my skin.
And every day it cuts just that little bit deeper.
Woken up sick and slumped through the day.
But from time to time i'll be alright until i relapse
Those heavy waves of emotion that always catch you at your weakest, always catch you when you're feeling "tired, empty and alone"
which leave me with mind convulsions & their black bile.
"These aren't memories, just long bad dreams"
and suprisingly i haven't dreamt of you yet, but i dread the day i do for the sword will work its way fully across my jugular and tha'tll be it for a few days
i'll relapse to fuck. And i hate it when i do.

"I fall in love too easily, this leading to a high death-toll and me walking lonely roads with no-one to talk to"

I cant sleep well at the moment, because when i do you're all there is to think about.

The hangman waits in the dark.
And all the world with him

Rotting from the inside out.
These mornings i dig an extra foot down.
Till i'm sleeping safe 6ft under streetlights

'Till i'm sleeping safe at night.

expect more.

See what i said about new starts?

2008-10-19T10:29:58Z

http://themurdokdiaries.blogspot.com

that will be my new journal / blog / thing

covering anything i find interesting
mostly about politics and how everyone is somehow a nazi
haha

this shall remain
but i wouldnt expect much
occassionally a rant about love or something
as i always find myself doing

bye
x

Turns out John McCain is a crook

2008-08-30T21:45:26Z

"In case you missed it

What is the Keating Five?

28/08/08 --- "McCain Keating Five"

For anyone not aware of the Keating Five, here’s a very simple summary:

Charles Keating owned a savings and loan in California. He was illegally using the money of his bank’s customers to give loans to himself and friends that they didn’t have to repay, and to speculate on risky real estate investments, which was strictly forbidden by U.S. law (the latter was one cause of the Great Depression).

When the feds found out what was going on and launched an investigation into Keating and his company, Keating called five U.S. Senators whom he had wined, dined, and lavished with hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign donations and personal gifts for years.

Keating asked the five Senators to tell the feds to bug off, and the five Senators, later known as the Keating Five, obliged, meeting with federal investigators twice and pressuring them to stop investigating Keating’s crimes. They bought Keating some time, but the feds didn’t give up and eventually Keating was nailed. The reason the feds were so persistent was because Keating wasn’t playing with mere chump change. Keating blew $3.4 billion through illegal personal loans and bad investments, and the FDIC eventually had to reimburse Keating’s customers who had been ripped off. (The FDIC is a part of the federal government funded by taxpayers dollars, so when Keating stole from his customers you and I were the ones who paid for it.)

(Background Info - Keating wasn’t the only Savings and Loan owner who was committing fraud, 20% of the S&L’s that failed during that three year period were found to have been caused by fraud and/or insider trading. The failure of the Lincoln Savings and Loan and other S&L’s pushed the country into a recession, costing the U.S. government $126 billion dollars in FDIC insurance payouts to investors. All of this came to a crescendo during the first year of the presidency of George H.W. Bush, who pushed through the S&L bailout plan to keep the economy afloat.)

When the involvement of the Keating Five was made public, a scandal erupted and the Senate Ethics Committee launched their own investigation into whether the Keating Five had violated Senate ethics rules. It was a giant mess (see the Keating Five Videos section). The other four Senators left office either immediately or within one term. John McCain was formally rebuked by the Senate Ethics Committee for exercising “poor judgment” for intervening with the federal regulators on behalf of Keating.

John McCain then went back to the drawing board and re-invented himself as “the Straight-Talk Express” and the media gobbled it up. “Tax-Evading-Criminal” doesn’t sound as catchy as “Straight-Shooting-War-Hero”.

Ever since the scandal, when McCain lies today, it’s never questioned, because he’s a “straight talker”. The man has more skeletons in his closet than any politician in history. The Keating Five is just one bone.

There are two fantastic articles about the Keating Five we highly recommend reading.

One is from 1989, written by the Phoenix New Times, called McCain: The Most Reprehensible of the Keating Five. That article does a good job of capturing the anger at the time at John McCain and the other corrupt Senators. It took an incredible spin job for McCain to have survived the scandal.

The other article is from Slate.com, written in 2000 and titled, Is John McCain A Crook?

"

From
http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article20634.htm

Wonder what secrets Obama has hiding in his closet?
x

Another Breath - Clio

2008-08-27T19:11:10Z

"I've always begged for you to tell me bedtime stories. I wake up smiling in the morning but I know I lied myself to sleep to make it better anyway. How many more times will I bite me toungue before I wise up? I give up. I guess I'm too caught up in your ways to call it a draw. But my anger's been boiling for too long. So this time I won't let it go.
I'm not too fond of apologies. Just empty words. I've screamed for so long about fighting and holding on but my fingers are about to break so I guess I'll take my chances with the fall. It's been so long but I still can't believe how much I have pushed and tried to watch you spit right in my face. A cliche I'm sure but the truth only comes in so many words. Anyway, my inspiration's lost."

x

These are my tombs, painted black & blue

2008-08-26T11:52:34Z

Off the top of my head, makes no sense, cliched to fuck.

The nostalgic love of an ever-colder heart
Salting wounds for years upon end just to feel the sting
Just the feeling of it running in your veins
Forcing memories through broken-synapses
Ritualistically getting fucked up on the same thoughts every night
Purposefully never forgetting
Falling asleep in the guillotine
Love hangovers even the dead could feel

Keeping the fire lit by throwing yourself to the flames.

That damning romanticism in the lonliness you feel.

"i want to live
without the guilt we give
i want to die
without this pain
i want to live
without the guilt we give

i want to die
without your name
without this pain

born to burn
with hell to pay
born to burn
we will someday"

Inside the belly of a war-machine.

2008-08-11T12:36:37Z

This had me alarmed, very.
While the Georgian / Russian conflict rages on, this is how much US firepower is converging on Iran.
I would be very concerned.

"

The lead American ship in these war games, the USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN71) and its Carrier Strike Group Two (CCSG-2) are now headed towards Iran along with the USS Ronald Reagon (CVN76) and its Carrier Strike Group Seven (CCSG-7) coming from Japan. They are joining two existing USN battle groups in the Gulf area: the USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN72) with its Carrier Strike Group Nine (CCSG-9); and the USS Peleliu (LHA-5) with its expeditionary strike group. Likely also under way towards the Persian Gulf is the USS Iwo Jima (LHD-7) and its expeditionary strike group, the UK Royal Navy HMS Ark Royal (R07) carrier battle group, assorted French naval assets including the nuclear hunter-killer submarine Amethyste and French Naval Rafale fighter jets on-board the USS Theodore Roosevelt. These ships took part in the just completed Operation Brimstone. The build up of naval forces in the Gulf will be one of the largest multi-national naval armadas since the First and Second Gulf Wars. The intent is to create a US/EU naval blockade (which is an Act of War under international law) around Iran (with supporting air and land elements) to prevent the shipment of benzene and certain other refined oil products headed to Iranian ports. Iran has limited domestic oil refining capacity and imports 40% of its benzene. Cutting off benzene and other key products would cripple the Iranian economy. The neo-cons are counting on such a blockade launching a war with Iran. The US Naval forces being assembled include the following: Carrier Strike Group Nine USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN72) nuclear powered supercarrier with its Carrier Air Wing Two Destroyer Squadron Nine: USS Mobile Bay (CG53) guided missile cruiser USS Russell (DDG59) guided missile destroyer USS Momsen (DDG92) guided missile destroyer USS Shoup (DDG86) guided missile destroyer USS Ford (FFG54) guided missile frigate USS Ingraham (FFG61) guided missile frigate USS Rodney M. Davis (FFG60) guided missile frigate USS Curts (FFG38) guided missile frigate Plus one or more nuclear hunter-killer submarines Peleliu Expeditionary Strike Group USS Peleliu (LHA-5) a Tarawa-class amphibious assault carrier USS Pearl Harbor (LSD52) assult ship USS Dubuque (LPD8) assult ship/landing dock USS Cape St. George (CG71) guided missile cruiser USS Halsey (DDG97) guided missile destroyer USS Benfold (DDG65) guided missile destroyer Carrier Strike Group Two USS Theodore Roosevelt (DVN71) nuclear powered supercarrier with its Carrier Air Wing Eight Destroyer Squadron 22 USS Monterey (CG61) guided missile cruiser USS Mason (DDG87) guided missile destroyer USS Nitze (DDG94) guided missile destroyer USS Sullivans (DDG68) guided missile destroyer USS Springfield (SSN761) nuclear powered hunter-killer submarine IWO ESG ~ Iwo Jima Expeditionary Strike Group USS Iwo Jima (LHD7) amphibious assault carrier with its Amphibious Squadron Four and with its 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit USS San Antonio (LPD17) assault ship USS Velia Gulf (CG72) guided missile cruiser USS Ramage (DDG61) guided missile destroyer USS Carter Hall (LSD50) assault ship USS Roosevelt (DDG80) guided missile destroyer USS Hartfore (SSN768) nuclear powered hunter-killer submarine Carrier Strike Group Seven USS Ronald Reagan (CVN76) nuclear powered supercarrier with its Carrier Air Wing 14 Destroyer Squadron 7 USS Chancellorsville (CG62) guided missile cruiser USS Howard (DDG83) guided missile destroyer USS Gridley (DDG101) guided missile destroyer USS Decatur (DDG73) guided missile destroyer USS Thach (FFG43) guided missile frigate USNS Rainier (T-AOE-7) fast combat support ship Also likely to join the battle armada: UK Royal Navy HMS Ark Royal Carrier Strike Group with assorted guided missile destroyers and frigates, nuclear hunter-killer submarines and support ships French Navy nuclear powered hunter-killer submarines (likely the Amethyste and perhaps others), plus French Naval Rafale fighter jets operating off of the USS Theodore Roosevelt as the French Carrier Charles de Gaulle is in dry dock, and assorted surface warships Various other US Navy warships and submarines and support ships. The following USN ships took part (as the "enemy" forces) in Operation Brimstone and several may join in: USS San Jacinto (CG56) guided missile cruiser USS Anzio (CG68) guided missile cruiser USS Normandy (CG60) guided missile cruiser USS Carney (DDG64) guided missile destroyer USS Oscar Austin (DDG79) guided missile destroyer USS Winston S. Churchill (DDG81) guided missile destroyer USS Carr (FFG52) guided missile frigate The USS Iwo Jima and USS Peleliu Expeditionary Strike Groups have USMC Harrier jump jets and an assortment of assault and attack helicopters. The Expeditionary Strike Groups have powerful USMC Expeditionary Units with amphibious armor and ground forces trained for operating in shallow waters and in seizures of land assets, such as Qeshm Island (a 50 mile long island off of Bandar Abbas in the Gulf of Hormuz and headquarters of the Iranian Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps).
The large and very advanced nature of the US Naval warships is not only directed at Iran. There is a great fear that Russia and China may oppose the naval and air/land blockade of Iran. If Russian and perhaps Chinese naval warships escort commercial tankers to Iran in violation of the blockade it could be the most dangerous at-sea confrontation since the Cuban Missile Crisis. The US and allied Navies, by front loading a Naval blockade force with very powerful guided missile warships and strike carriers is attempting to have a force so powerful that Russia and China will not be tempted to mess with. This is a most serious game of military brinkmanship with major nuclear armed powers that have profound objections to the neo-con grand strategy and to western control of all of the Middle East's oil supply. "

from
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread380332/pg1

eeeep.
x

partyofwolves @ 2008-08-10T00:01:00

2008-08-09T23:08:28Z

I have decided to keep a notepad of everything i learn, as i forget everything all of the time and the things i learn would actually like to remember lol.

starry eyed, tongue all tied. There's something you should

funeralfrench.blogspot.com
tedwinkworth.blogspot.com
ingivingup.blogspot.com

I'm also putting a playlist together for my band, just to show them what kinda music im into as we all have extremely different tastes and maybe they'll find something they like and it'll increase the ideas.
this is part of it so far:

1. Last Light - Converge
2. The Wolf - The Banner
2. Squall - Shipwreck A.D
3. Misanthropy Pure - Shai Hulud
3. Grim Heart / Black Rose - Converge
4. Composure - August Burns Red.
5. When Life Meant More - All Shall Perish
6. King Of Hearts - In Remembrance
7. The Hanging Sun - Dead Swans
8. Nocturnal - The Black Dahlia Murder
9. Kersed - Ceremony
10. Threads - This Will Destroy You
11. Stabwound - Necrophagist
12. I'm Not Ready - Modern Life Is War
12. There's A Black Hole In The Shadow Of The Pru - Give Up The Ghost

something along those lines anyway, feels like it needs more Converge
as everything always needs more Converge! haha.

x

Killing The Dream - resolution

2008-07-28T23:59:50Z

We walk in circles.
We love in circles.
We talk in circles.
We live in circles.

i can't live like this.
i can't live like this.
i can't keep living this.
i can't keep living this again.

we're always moving on, always moving back.
back to the same place.
so familiar, but it isn't home... just where we come to forget.
how many times can you write the same song in a different way?
how many times can you live the same life on a different day?
nobody lives in circles, they just forget.
they just survive.
we live in circles, the same people with different faces.
we sing the same songs in different keys.
we love in circles, a little less with every turn.

i've never loved like that before, and i don't think i will again.
and it's coming back again, it's ending where it started.
and i'd give everything to do it all again.
you never love like that again (the first time), and the longer that you live, the less you feel alive.
and we don't die for anything anymore. i'd kill to feel like that again, but i'm never going to feel like that again.
so move on, hold on, or fucking fake it.
either way, we're losing. either way i'm losing.
remember when this was everything? in a way, it still is.
i want to feel that way again.

but you don't feel in circles, you just live.
you just fall.
i'll find it again, in a different place.
in a different time, with a different face.
i'll keep moving, because i've got to keep moving.
just take whatever's left.
my heart is dry.
this is my last breath.
this used to be everything.
i gave everything.

&hearts;
x

...And Out Come The Wolves

2008-07-28T17:18:02Z

I'm writing this out of boredom brought on by a massive cup of coffee
i was drinking at a normal pace
so to put it in perspective, by the time id got to the bottom
the coffee was cold lol :/.

This past week has been one of completel self-destruction lol
It's been fun.
Thursday consisted of band practice, in which i suggested that we try and get on the local gig that night
so, we did haha
we played the gig which went ok then travelled back to our drummer Pats house where we drank beers and smoked resin (using a beer can as a pipe/bong, which is now why my chest hurts lol) until around 3am.
In that time i started talking to a fence...because i was convinced it was telling me my friend Pat was going to betray me, so of course i had to get to the bottom of it haha.
then fell asleep.
Friday we then had more band pracetice until around 5pm.
Then i fucked off to a mates bbq where we cooked terribley & drank loads haha.
The bad cooking may have come as a result of the drink haha.
We then went for a walk, found somewhere to sit. And continued the party with more drugs lol
Then around 10 we walked to Keirans house and i carried on getting stoned until 4am
my god.
It is now monday and im still feeling the affects haha
nasty.

i think its because i dont do anything all day
so when someones like 'lets drink'
i go "YYEAAAAAA WHY NOT, LETS GET FUCKED!" :/
this isn't good

i know it isnt big or clever
dont do drugs...
x

Why I hate society.

2008-06-18T23:33:33Z

I'm watching comedy, so i'm not as angry as i was.
but it needs saying lol.

I long to go back and wander round Plato's Academy & Aristotles Lyceum.

I think it may be because i'm a misfit (of my own accord)
maybe i if was a jock i'd love going out & getting wasted, maybe i'd look up to Paris Hilton & people with no brains who look nice.
maybe obeying look magazine would suit me fine (this is a recent hate).
because i for one really really don't care what David Beckam got up to this weekend
what part of it seems fascinating? please someone point this out because i'm at an end.

It's just that no-one cares anymore, about anything remotely intelligent.
Maybe i'm over generalising here, but it seems that materialism has well over taken the desire for morals, humility & knowledge.
your jacket is worth more than your life, briliant...
Foundations that Great Britain was built on have crumbled into dust.
manners, humility, fair play
all gone.

When did it become acceptable for Paris Hilton to become an idol, i mean really!
i think that really signifies a down point in the whole of the human race.

why can't people learn to spell! this is a major point i have
this really gets me, half the time people have the ability but just choose to abbreviate.
WHY.

i think it's coming from me working in a pub and seeing the same people every weekend, doing the same thing.
i dont understand?

i realise i may sound quite arrogant, i'm not.
i just have a major problem with the deteriating state of everything.

A detailed explanation into what i believe in.

2008-05-27T23:59:54Z

i posted this on 'belowtopsecret.com' which is the general chit-chat side of 'Abovetopsecret.com' which is the conspiracy theory / alternative news / science & religion / UFO site i spend my time on lol.

Someone posted a thread entitled
"To non believers in GOD. What in the world do you believe in? and why?"

and this was my reply:

" I'm gathering you're talking from a Christian point of view so i'll just stick with that:

I'm a philosophy student and this has led me to learn about Zoroastrianism, Indian theologies, Astrological matters etc and their influences on it. Learning about Hell was never even an original Christian idea was a major turning point i think.
So to me Christianity just seems the greatest culmination of different ideas so far.
In time i think there will be another new explanation to come along and maybe people will in however many hundred years look back and think "I cant believe in was a believer in THAT, i mean pah! how dumb must i have been. THIS [insert new theology here] is CLEARLY the answer!"
and this cycle will just repeat.

But back to the topic, I believe in myself.
I'm not saying Christians don't i just mean i place more interest in my heart and the choices i make. I don't need a crux for answers as there is so much in this world to learn & know the answer must be out there to anything i wonder.
In my 18yrs i have had to endure A LOT of hardships, one being my mother has been a HEAVY alcoholic since before my birth.
At the worst times with her when i have had no-one to turn to i have looked within myself and found the strength to get through it & carry on, for hers and my sake.
I will never turn to God and take the easy way out.
I don't need a savior, i saved myself.
I don't need to look at a book when life becomes too hard. I have conquered life before and i can conquer it again without Gods help.
I will make myself stronger every day through physical (gym, thai boxing) & mental (a intense desire to learn about anything & everything) development.
Placing faith in anything aside from yourself means you take away so much that you are capable of feeling.

I have recently been reading about Buddhism, and aside from making me get back to nature it has led to me to appreciate the human mind a lot more than i did. I need to start meditating as i do agree that we will reach a higher plan of consciousness if we would just open our minds beyond the current fascination with materialism.
The Global Consciousness was interesting to me, i now believe we are all somehow interconnected and our thoughts have unlimited power.
Maybe there is a Universal consciousness, formed by all of ours? i haven't thought about that yet.

Belief in a God to me just seems to take away from so much, it's like looking at life through the windshield of a car when it's raining. You can see the world but you see the rain first and that distorts your view as it splatters on the screen.
I have held the view for a long time that if you were to look back through a religious persons family tree, or personal life there will be a singular point where they start believing in God, either just accepting as tradition or from having trouble facing a hardship.

Life is just what it is, wonderful and terrible in it's extremes.
I have no predetermined path, i can do what i want. Yes it is scary but embrace it!
Maybe there are certain points laid out, and if we bump into them thats great but if not never mind.

At death my body will rot, and be eaten by the worms. And it's nutrients will be released into the surrounding area. I will get back to where i came from.
I want to say my energy will also be dispersed and go into something else but i haven't read up enough on this to know if this is actually true

That's all for now. Probably a lot more to come :p

Live Your Heart And Never Follow."

so, yea.
If you ever wondered :]
x

i strongly advise Abovetopsecret.com
it's changed my life, taught me SO MUCH about everything.
Brain food ftw

This Is The Sea - Johnathan Birch

2008-05-01T21:40:05Z

My friend Birchy wrote this, i've always been a major fan of his work and i found this
so i felt i should introduce it to wider society :]

When we sat upon the bruised, ragged grey rocks, the sea gasping at our feet waving it goodbye and hosting it’s return, we wondered a little, of ourselves, of the rocks, of the sea. The cloudy skies skipped around the sun, the shadows clasping the sea, stirring a multitude of natural slideshows, and we sat, arms around waists, spectators for noone.

He pondered life. He always pondered life. Stephen was a fan of natural metaphors, accidental happenings and the eloquence behind chains of events that were seldom far too often on his mind with “what if’s?”

She was sceptical. Life was as love isn’t. Dreams she couldn’t awake, opinions she couldn’t shake. What she saw was she needed to see. Funny how they saw the same thing, same eyes, same love, different times, different lives, different minds.

Timely goodbyes are a long time coming. He thought this, he knew this. He feared this. But as the ocean, Fenrir, swallowed the sun, the shadows turned to the sky, and his stomach began to feel the strain of the bird inside flapping it’s wings.

“Where will we be in ten years time?”

“Ten years after the first day of the rest of our lives”